Mixed Feelings!

MeDsi Interview!

1. Scared.
2. Excited.
3. Dissapointed.
4. Nervous.
5. Torn.

This is my future. But, I'm torn between two; TESL or APB?

I like TESL because my time as an Asasian was a blast! And all of that was thanks to my friends, especially the members of Lemon Syrup on Weekends. They made it meaningful, memorable and colourful. But now, many of them are going away on APB or probably on some other courses.

I have promised myself and to my beloved seniors that I would want to continue their legacy of the Ethos Society! They had made me realised that I want to help other people instead of myself.

Thinking I would have to walk down on Tesl Square and turn to my left and right and would not be able to find my sisters there just make me blank. Things definitely would be different w/o them around.

But I talked to some of them and they told me the most vital thing; that I would work hard to nail the interview tomorrow on their behalf. I PROMISE I would give it my best shot. And if things are meant to be, I would end up as a Teslian but if not, I'll go and join them in APB. All the best and AMIN!

T.A

Misunderstood

One of the most difficult situation to be in is when you are misunderstood. Or, in other words, people misundestands you.

She admit it, she has changed. She has changed into a better person. She has seen her flaws and mistakes that she had been doing before. After going through such journey of recovering herself, she has made a decision to "make it up" for the things she said and did or didn't. She is currently searching for a suitable time to do that. But people misunderstood her.

She wants to do this more than anything else in the world. She wants to clear things up and tell them the secrets she kept all these years of unspoken bitter heart of her. But they are living their lives and busy; she understands that well. She does not want to do it through a call or a text. She wants to do it FACE TO FACE with them.

She knows better than to just do it through the phone. She wants it to be special, to be true and the words that are about to be given birth to MUST be sincere and came all the way from her heart. YES people, she wants to have a heart-to-heart conversation with you. She wants to apologise for her mistakes, she wants to open up her heart and she wants to do it by looking in your eyes and pour out the depths of her heart.

But then, she is being misunderstood. Her changes are arrogance to their eyes. Her gratefulness to one is her not being thankful to the other. They haven't even met her and then they judge her like she was some kind of convicts who massacred thousand of people around the world. How it hurt her to see such words being potrayed from the ones she loves the most. There are things she can't say in this blog, there are things far more valuable than any post on any of her blogs and there are words so deep that are only meant to be heard by the ones she's about to dedicate it to. Many things are left unsaid in her heart. And yet they shut her down before she could even try to speak. She is being misunderstood by the people she calls FRIENDS.

All her life, people misunderstood her for not saying things she should have said. And now when she's ready to open her heart, they shut her down before she could even speak of a word. She is devastated. Devastated and heart-broken.

She Lost Herself

She never thought she would open her heart for anyone. But, she did.

Why she was so afraid?

She had been hurt before. Getting attached is the easiest way to get hurt. Whenever she got close to her friends, she is vulnerable to any attack as she leaves her heart to them. Trusting them to take good care of it. Her heart is the only treasure she has. It is the most precious thing to her besides her life.

A friend once told her to forget about the pain. To just move on in her life. To just... live.

And she did. Her heart did actually. She did not realise it until she stumbled upon a pain that is killing her slowly.

She let herself indulge in friendship, to trust her friends and once again-share her heart.

It was a bumpy road. It usually is. But, with the help of her friends, she managed to come back on her feet and stand on her own. She thought-these kind of friends meant to her. True friends are hard to come by- she realised this.

In the end, when all was well, she discovered herself wrong, AGAIN. At first she couldn't feel it as she is constantly in state of denials but then it struck her. Like a cancer spreading through her lungs and veins, suffocating her with the blood of tears. All her beliefs had gone to the drain. What is this? Everything is at gone. The risk wasn't even worth it. She had lost her faith, beliefs and a friendship which she treasures the most. Making it all worse, she came up to the truth; THE HOLY TRUTH, that ; she has lost herself.

Nothing could be done to retrieve it all back.

That is when she knew

OMG.

She has many scandals. But none she really participated in. There was a guy. Many people say that they look alike. Remembering what Puan Zana told her- don't go for guys who look a lot like you! Hahaha...

But this one, she was really involved in. She invited him to her play. She asked him to accompany her during lunch. The thing she likes being with him is that they can talk. Really talk. And they annoy each other too. But hey, that was how they started their friendship. She wouldn't want to change that.

But, as they went deeper, she was confused. She wasn't ready for that kind of stuff. She is not a highly-committed person. She knew she wouldn't be able to offer back what he would give. She's not a typical girl who likes to text anyone frequently except for her dearest friends. She doesn't like to be awaken in the middle of the night just to answer a secret call. She loves her beauty sleep and none can stole that moment of dreaming from her.

Another thing she liked about they guy is that he also doesn't text her frequently. She needs her space. There was one time when they didn't contact each other for more than a week. Then one night he miscalled her. But she rejected it because she was focusing on her studies. She told him about it. He understood it. Thank you for that.

She is afraid. She likes him but only as a friend. Truth be told, she knew deep down inside, she was just using him as a rebound. She knew it was wrong but yet she kept lying to herself. Denying the whole truth. It was a shame and she must put a stop to this. Who is she to toy with others feelings? That is when she knew.
That is when she knew she had to stop all the nonsense.

Moment of Time: Part 2

Friend 1: What are you doing?

She had an umbrella above her. She sheltered both of them from the rain.

She: Just hanging.

Friend 1: Come on inside. You've got everyone worried you know.

She: They are?

Friend: Yeah, they are concerned.

They didn't say anything so it was silent. Her friend knew she needed her space so she left her there, in the pouring rain.

A few minutes after, another friend came along.

Friend 2: What are you doing?

She: Just sitting here.

She knew no one would understood the reason she was there, in the cold grey rain.

Friend 2: Take this. And then I'll leave you alone.

The friend handed her an opened umbrella.

She: No thanks.

Friend 2: You're going to catch cold. Take it. You can play in the rain with this.

She: Then, it's not called playing in the rain then.

The friend sighed. The friend knew she was a stubborn one. She wouldn't listen to her. So she smacked her in the head and messed with her hair.

Friend 2: You'd better wash you hair thoroughly after this!

She: Will do.

And the friend left. She smiled.

She thought to herself, why are people so afraid to indulge themselves into something that would be worth the pain? Playing in the rain could catch you a cold,yes, but what's life without risks? Should we stop ourselves from having a joy in something although there might be consequences to it? Should we be afraid? Just because something has its implications, it doesn't mean that should stop us from doing it.

She was alive in the rain. It made her feel so full of emotions. She could only think clearly with water rubbing at her skin. She is at her best whenever water is poured at her. Best of all, she is inspired at that moment of time. But all was stopped when her intuitions told her to look back. She turned her head and saw two of her friends, one was from before, and another is who she would listen to. So she got up and ran away. She knew if they approach her, she wouldn't be able to continue what she was doing.

After a while, they stopped chasing her. She stopped.

She realised she was on another road. It was a long road. She said to herself, "Enough is enough, " For the last spin, she decided to have it all. She opened her arms and imagined herself as an airplane (how childish it was of her), and flew on the road. From left to right, and right to left. She felt it was real. And nothing could have stopped her. She was living her dream.

She walked slowly. It had come to an end. She had to return to her friend. And so she looked at them with a hopeful smile as she came in front of them. Surprisingly, they smiled back as if nothing happened. And at the moment of time, she knew, she had it all.

A Moment of Time: Part 1

She was watching others when she smells something. She smelt the first sign of rain.

She turned around to ensure her smelling sense was not wrong. Again, her nose was filed with the fumes of the rain-to-come. She looked at the sky and sees it. She saw the dark clouds that was carrying tons of water in it. She saw the Mother who was about to give birth to her Child. The Cloud was the mother and the Rain was the Child. Then, something warm and familiar came to her. It hugged her. She let them embraced him. The Wind was a friend, her friend. This friend loves to hug her. To dance around her skin and touch her soul. She is always touched with this friend, the Wind. She looked around to see the Trees. The Trees were nodding, saying yes, the Rain is coming. She smiled. Just then, she heard the Thunder. The Thunder was welcoming the Rain to pour the blessing from The Almighty to Earth. The Thunder was at joy that it shook the sky.

It was true then. Rain is coming. And it came. She saw at the drop, one-by-one. He could see it wet the road, giving shower to all living things on Earth. She looked back at her friends. Her friend knew what she wanted to do. They forbid her from doing it. She smiled. They jumped at her!

Friends: Don't even think of it! You'll catch cold!

She: I won't.

Before they could stop her, she walked towards the Rain. She indulged herself with one of the beauty of nature. She raised her hand to the Sky and grasped the pouring water in her hand. She felt it. When science said that Rain can't be touched, her skin made contact with it. Science lied. She opened her legs to let it walk loosely on the road. She felt the Rain coming down to her-making her feel alive. She felt the drops wandering around her body as Gravity pulled them down. It tickled, a bit. She saw the green Field. She saw the side-table that was facing the greenish Field. She decided it would be a great pit-stop for this moment. And she sat there.

She watched the Field. She could see the Rain making the Field wet. She saw it all. The Wind came along and joined the lively moment. Again, the Wind touched her skin slowly with delicacy. People say that the Rain is too cold for us. How she wished everyone could know that was wrong. The Rain was soft as it cuddled her. Giving warmth and yet was chilling. She felt the warmth sticking out to her bones. It dived into her lungs and soul. It was a feeling she has longed from her previous encounter with the Rain. Suddenly, before she knew it, a figure was already standing beside her. It was a friend. She had an umbrella above her. The umbrella sheltered both of them from the Rain.

What would life be?

It seems that everyday;
troubles come and make our day,
Just when I hold boredom at bay,
At that happy beach I used to lay.

When once come one must return,
The exchange of this will make our desire burn,
All just might make we but stern,
All choices do appear but I will not turn.

My heart, my root, and my canal,
All those emotions they may fell,
No righteous so rebellious that I should repel,
My pride is my glory that I would never sell.

They might say and he shall ask,
To what are you doing at this time of dusk?
I shall say do not make a fuss,
This is my necessity so it is a must!

In time of pain that I shall seek,
The truth in the dirt I still dig,
Without troubles in our days what can we see?
Devoid of that; what would life be?